The Bugs are Conspiring to Kill Me...I am Sure of It!!!

I don't know what I ever did to the bug population of the world, but I think they are trying to kill me. This is no joke! Maybe it's because I used to kill their friends and family members, but the past few years I have been too paralyzed with fear to hurt them. Let me start at the beginning.
When I was about 10 years old, my life took a page right out of Arachnophobia. I kept getting bitten by mysterious insects at night while I was sleeping, minding my own business. As a side note, my mattress was getting rather old and ragged so we got a new one. Well, when we took the old one outside and threw it on the lawn, approximately 1 million SPIDERS gushed out of my mattress. I was paralyzed with fear and have been ever since. I could have died! That was the bug worlds' first attempt at destroying me!
There have been several attempts of murder in the last 15 years, but the bugs are getting desperate and stepping up their game.
Last night, I was in my bathroom getting ready for bed and looking for a cuticle trimmer. I opened up one of my drawers that hold my beauty things like that, because it's difficult to stay looking this phenomenal, when I saw it! The biggest spider I have ever seen in my life! I saw it turn slowly around and look at me, as if to say "What are you going to do now?" What was I to do? I calmly, but panic-stricken, closed the drawer and walked across the room to my phone to call my gallant, or so I though, friend Brady to save me from my horror. I squeaked into the phone that I was in need of assistance. He replied that he was busy. I squeaked "Ok" and hung up the phone and in a trance I walked to my roommate, Ashley's room but, alas, she was gone. Then I went to Shanalee's room and told her about the spider. We went into my bathroom where I showed her what drawer it was in and both of us refused to open the death trap cleverly disguised as a normal drawer. Then she went to get our savior, Mandy. She entered, opened the drawer and that's when I lost it...well sort of, being as I was already in tears from the fear pulsing through my body.
I screamed and the spider looked at me again, and I am sure if I could understand spider language it would have been celebrating it's victory and laughing. Then, Mandy got the biggest wad of toilet paper she could, she crushed the spider! We identified it as a hobo spider, but for the next 6 hours, I was still paralyzed with fear. I didn't sleep well because I knew this was not the end of my horrors!
This morning, I walked out my door to see a wasp eating a dead aphid. I should have gone back inside at that moment and gone back to bed for the day. But I didn't...I came to work. Then, the unthinkable happened! A stinkbug found it's way into my office! It was horrible! Lisa, being the wonderful and brave soul she is came to my rescue and attempted to kill the bug, but then it touched her! It was horrifying! Then the bug released it's horrible smell, filling our office with the odor, but she prevailed! She killed the bug!
Clearly, I am not safe! The bugs are out to get me! They say that bugs are way more afraid of me than I am of them, well this is grossly inaccurate!

My Superlatives

I have a Facebook account and at one point I foolishly added the Superlatives application. I thought it would be fun and humorous. Well, at first it was. I was voted for things like Most Likely to Spend all Their Money on Starbucks, Most Likely to Get Out of Trouble by Smiling, and Most Likely To Have a Closet Full of Manolo Blahniks. I understand these. They make sense and actually describe me. Then, out of nowhere, I was voted Most Likely to be the Voice of Reason. I was stumped, flattered, but stumped. Obviously this person must not know me very well. Most Likely to Cry After Seeing a Spider, yes. Most Likely to Laugh and then Say I don't Get It, yes. Most Likely to be the Voice of Reason...really???